Crusoe in South East Asia

Saturday mornings are always great to lie in bed and not do anything. This is not case for me however today as I’ve arranged to meet Khoa at 7am to get my motorbike helmet back that I’d left on my drunken adventures. Crawl out of bed cursing audibly realising I’ve slept through my alarms tripping over my stuff in the dark. (It’s a dorm room so I can’t turn on the light) Go down stairs and take advantage of the empty kitchen to grab my free breakast and meet a American girl. Some fried egg escapes my mouth and hits her on the foot. She finds this hysterically funny. Embarrassed, I don’t really know what to do apart from pick it off her foot (don’t worry I didn’t eat it).

Time passes and its now 9am. Somehow, I must have missed Khoa. I’ve arranged to meet Beanie again today at 2pm so vege out in the nearby district killing time. Walking back to my hotel, I bump into Const dogg again, the hip hop artist I’d met the other night from Liberia/USA. He tells me he’s going to a BBQ and at this point its nearly time to meet Beanie so we say goodbye.

It starts to rain hot rain. Beanie is late and I go to a nearby shop to kill time. Find photocopies of best selling books for sale. Meant to buy one but forget. Will have to draw out the last chapter of Michael Palins adventures tomorow for the 12 hour bus journey. Hooray!

Beanie comes out of nowhere like a bat out of hell. I jump on the scooter and we’re off again into the busy traffic that menaces Saigon. Destination”? I have no idea but this is nothing new. Beanie intends for us to go shopping and we hit the mall. I’ve never been so claustriphobic in my life and start to feel a bit sick. There are so many people and the corridors are just too narrow. Makes my home town shopping mall look like a ghost town. I buy a bag that has “SAMPLE NOT FOR RESALE” stuck onto it. Looks good and I pay about 13pounds. In the UK it would be over 50. Shopping here, although crowded as hell has its plus points.

A phone rings and Beanie picks it up. Its Lauren, an aspiring fashion designer from New York. Beanie and Lauren have never met face to face and share a mutual friend. Lauren is going to join us for coffee. Today is my last day in Saigon and sadly, I spend it indoors. At least I don’t get lost for a change! Lauren shows up and turns out to be easy going, a little quiet and very interested in the nearby clothes. She stops me in mid-sentence to go and try on a dress. I get revenge by making her look at all 750 pictures I’ve taken so far. Tears are beginning to form in the corners of her eyes so I decide she’s had enough and retire my camera. Thanh, the girl from the other night shows up and joins us at the table. Her phone, has the most bling bling on a phone I’ve ever seen. Its gold plated and apparently cost 700pounds when she bought it two years ago. I swipe it and pretend to put in my pocket. Apparently, I can keep it if I’m prepared to belong to her. My friend Thulasi would be proud, as she has long been trying to pimp me out at McDonalds in Leicester square with only few sucesses, but now I’ve been traded for a 700pound phone. I can’t help but feel quite proud of my achievement.

Beanie and Thanh excuse themselves to go to the toilet. Lauren and I discuss the merits of sportswear v.s active wear. My mind falls asleep and I have to do my best to stop myself falling into my creme caramell. Few shots of coffee and I”m awake again.Until they plan to go shopping….Beanie and Thanh still haven’t returned. Its been half an hour. I know girls take ages but I’m beginning to wonder if they’ve discovered a portal to Narnia in the girls bathroom. Feel jealous and imagine myself playing in snow with woodland animals and then got brought back to reality. Lauren is explaining the benifits of frills in the dress she saw in the corner….

Another 15 minutes passes and the girls still haven’t returned. Lauren suggests we leave. I don’t have the goldplated phone in my possesion yet so persuade her to stay. I’m worried maybe one of them has died fighting with Aslan the lion when they come back to the table holding shopping bags. Apparently there was a sale in La Senza. Lauren is furious…

Dinner is Sushi at an expensive sushi place nearby. The bill comes to $10 a head which although cheap in UK is my daily food budget for SE Asia. Food is great (well it should be for this price) however I struggle to finish. Eventually I cram in the last few grains of rice. Oh my god I’m going to explode. Fortunately, the food stays in my mouth this time.

The Cage is a nearby club which we head to after me gorging on sushi. I think the others need a drink to recover from the monstrosity. Coke is 50 000, more than what I’d normally spend on dinner and I start getting irritated until I realise its a holiday and that I’m spending 150pounds a week on accomodation back in London. 50 000 for a coke aint going to bust me too much.

A waitress comes over and asks me where I’m from. She appears quite friendly and after talking to her Thanh informs me she thinks the waitress may have a crush on me. Thanh however tells me I am infact ugly and asks do I know what my ugliest feature is?

Fortunately, my self esteem is not low enough for me to know the answer so I tell her its my eyes as she can see herself in the reflection. She doesn’t take this well. I move back to talk to Lauren….

The club is still empty at this point and after some diplomatics I manage to keep the group together after a rift starts forming about where we should go. We head for another club which is suitably more packed. Drinks are ludicrously expensive and its Belvedere night. This means there is the amazing deal “Buy one Belvedere get one free!”" Unfortuantly this is well outside my food budget. I realise Im supposed to be leaving in 6hours for Cambodia. I hope I can make it back in time.

Thanh and Beanie depart at this point leaving me with Lauren. Chris, a belgium English teacher has joined us and we form a white section in the sea of asians. I scavenge around and find us a belvedere. Its mostly empty but its a start. Chris tells me its not what you drink here but how much you spend. The more money you waste the better. Contemplate spending the rest of my travel money on a bottle of belvedere but quickly get brought back to reality when I realise I probably don’t have enough… One of Chris’s students when asked about his hobbies apparently answered: I like to count my money in my spare time. Maybe he could get his phone gold plated too?

The club now is too crowded and we try to exit to head to the other club Apocalypse now. This is proving to be more difficult as a fight has broken in the corridor outside the exit to the club. I’m excited at the prospect of fight and get front row view….until a guy runs past me waving a bar stool over his head to smash over someone else. He nearly hits me so I retreat to a safe distance with Chris and Lauren. The fight goes on and unfortuantely its blocking the only exit. Security aren’t capable of dealing with it which is surprising due to the high prices inside the club.

Eventually we find a fire escape to ‘ëscape”‘ the club. When we get to the ground floor however, the fight has spread to the underground car park. We leg it out and enter into the hot night. I got a good picture of the fight but havent got a cable on me now…

Head back from Apoc now some hours later feeling pretty exhausted. I have to leave in 3 hours. Find my hotel and can’t see any prostitues so deem it safe to attempt to enter. Unfortuantely its locked up again. I start knocking. No answer. I start punching the glass. No answer. I start kicking the metal grating. No answer and I hurt my foot. At this point Im getting a little bit scared. I start smashing the glass door against the metal barrier making a hell of a noise. I’m worried that the prostitues will hear the noise and come over to investigate. I guy walks over to me. Wondering if he’ll help me but he’s trying to sell me more drugs. Fuck. I’ll need some by the time this is over…Eventually, somene wakes up and comes to open the door. Except, they’ve lost the keys. 10-15 minutes later they let me in and I run in off the street. Asleep in moments.

Beep-beep-beep. Its time to get up. 3hours is no where near enough sleep. Cambodia time!

This a photo of the night before:

Note, everybody is totally drunk….